Dear Irie,
It is Thanksgiving Eve and for the first time in my life I
am preparing for the holiday without my mother. I am planning to cook the
things that she would cook for both our extended and immediate family gatherings.
I am using the recipes that she left behind, but there are still so many things
that are missing. A measurer, your Maw Maw was not, so there will be much guess
work in how much of this or that to include. I am reminded of the time she
tried to teach me to make potato salad and I asked how many potatoes to use. My
mama looked at me like I was crazy. “I don’t know” she told me “whatever you
have.” The potato salad turned out awesome, but I have no idea how to do it again,
every ingredient was put in until there was “enough”.
As we start this holiday of thankfulness I find myself torn.
Several times over that past few weeks I have found myself thinking “I am so
blessed” only to catch myself and become angry. How can I feel that I am blessed
when I have lost someone so vital to my life, in fact the very person to whom I
owe my life? The fact is that I can feel that way because although my life has
been painted with tragedy, it is only one of the many brushstrokes God has
spread across my life. When I watch you and your brothers playing I know that I have been blessed, when I watch
you sleep or listen to you pray, I know that there is something greater than me
at work, and whatever it is has chosen to give me things far beyond what I
deserve. Because the fact is that often the things we get are not at all commensurate
with what we deserve; that goes for both the good and the bad, sweet girl.
So sometimes we have to simply be thankful for what we do
have. I am thankful for each day that I get to wake up healthy, with a roof
over my head and food in my stomach. I am thankful for the family that was
chosen for me. I have cousins whom I love like siblings and a sibling whom I
love as my own child. I have children who I would do anything in my power for.
I was given parents who did the same for me. They raised me with love and compassion.
I lived in a house filled with laughter and affection. We didn’t always have
money when I was growing up, but I never went without anything that I needed
and most often got everything I wanted too. I am safe in the knowledge that I
was loved and cherished and that as I grew, though my parents stepped back and
let me spread my wings, they never stopped loving or cherishing me. I am thankful
for the model of motherhood that my mother set for me, so that I can be
confident in my abilities as a mother for you and your brothers. I am thankful
that even now, though my mother is gone, she left me in the loving hands of her
sisters and brothers. I am thankful that I still have an amazing daddy and that
I can talk openly with him and share both my happiness and pain. I am thankful
for my friends that have stood by me not just through tragedy, but who have
also shared in my joys through the years. I am thankful to have a partner in
life and not simply a husband. Your daddy is truly my best friend and not
everyone gets to share their life with someone like that. I am thankful that he
has supported not just me, but also my family, when we needed it, and that when
I told him I needed to stay with you and your brothers instead of returning to
work, he never batted an eye. Together, we’re doing what needs to be done.
And
I am so thankful for you and your brothers, the three of you are what
oftentimes keep me going. I am thankful for your innocence and your
humor, your intelligence and your honesty, and I am thankful for the way that
you make me laugh and the joy that you bring to my life. I am thankful that
although sometimes bad things happen that we do not deserve, sometimes good
things do too. You three are my proof that wishes are granted and even when a
heart breaks, it does not stop loving, because each day you fill mine more and
more.
I will try not to be angry with myself the next time I have
one of you wrapped in my arms or sleeping soundly next to me and I think, “I am
blessed.” I will try to acknowledge that the statement is true in many ways. I
will try to be thankful, even when it is hard.
I love you, sweet girl.
Love,
Mama
No comments:
Post a Comment